ASK! Don't Tell.

A spring storm, like a dusty corner, brings gifts to life.

Only you can truly know you. Me

As a coach, I’m trained to ask and to listen. Then to ask again, giving my client the space and structure to discover the approach, the answer, the insight that only they can divine. The ‘ah ha’ moments that has brought over the years are rich, exciting and a large part of the satisfaction my work has given me.

Asking not telling is an approach that’s also aligned with what I know metaphysically: only you can truly know you. It’s a powerful way of relating to others not just to clients or customers. Asking creates openings where ‘telling’ or ‘being told’ closes doors (I know. I dislike being told – sometimes even when I’ve first asked to be.)

Of course, we all know this. But, this week, I discovered places where I’m not using what I know. I noticed that I was using a different approach in conversations where I was wearing my ‘community leader’ hat.  The awareness came as I reflected on several conversations from which I’d come away feeling restless, dissatisfied, bummed.

As many reflections do, it started with ‘them’: if only they would … (I’m guessing you’re familiar with this reflection).

Then, as I went a little deeper, I saw that rather than starting with my natural care and curiosity to create spaciousness in the conversation, I was starting with ‘I know. Let me tell you.’  I was assuming (we all know about ass-u-me) – not consciously of course – that I was being told something in order to solicit my opinion. I was using the conversation not as a place for exploration, but as a place for telling what I (think that) I know. 

As the place where much of our learning starts, let’s just say that ‘it wasn’t pretty’.  It was a dark, dusty corner asking for the light of attention: the light of bringing my caring, curious self to these community conversations and of using my ‘knowing self’ much more selectively.

I noticed something else as well. I’ve come to a place in life where I can identify these dark, dusty corners without the guilt and beating myself up for not being the perfect, caring, curious me.  I like discovering those dark, dusty corners. They represent where new learning begins. And, in a Universe meant for learning, that’s a great measure of success.

Blanca Peak showing off her fresh spring snow on a clear, crisp spring morning.

Life's Knots

Springtime In the Rockies!

Every knot was once a straight rope. Gregge Tiffen

Sometimes, especially when we’re surprised by an unexpected challenge, we go negative. Fear and worry set in.  We may find it difficult to sleep. Our focus stays fixed on the problem and our fear that we don’t know what to do.   On some level we all know better.  But our ability to tap into that knowing is blocked by our negativity.

It’s at these times that Gregge’s metaphor of the knot once being a straight rope reminds me of another of his truisms: “There is always an answer.”  Ahhh … breathe that in for a moment. There is always an answer.  (Rinse. Repeat.)

I’m taking a bit of a turn this week to share a process that I discovered from reading a transcript of a lecture that Gregge offered over 30 years ago. The context of the lecture is health and strength of the cells.  He says, “The argument for good health in terms of cellular strength is the argument that says you cannot be affected by the negative to any degree as long as the cells are healthy because they will not sustain this negative flow going through. The cells will reject the information and turn it into a positive form.”

So, my health is a critical factor in how I respond to life, in particular my ability to access beliefs like ‘there is always an answer’ when the pressure is on.  As I read on, just beginning to scratch the surface of this obvious yet potentially life changing idea, Gregge offered this simple three step process for clearing the system of the toxicity of worry:

1.      Run around the block – Exert yourself to the point of huffing and puffing to “clear the blood and strengthen the cells”.  Put your attention on that intention: clearing the negativity rather than on the knot that you need to untie.

2.      Drink lots of water – Drink lots of water to “flush and neutralize the system”.

3.      Go to bed – sleep. And, if tomorrow finds you still anxious and worried rather than able to face the knot, repeat the process.  I believe that Einstein once said that he solved many problems by taking a nap.

This is contrary to much of our learning and the habits that we’ve developed. We believe that we need to focus on the problem and worry over it until it is solved.  We put tremendous pressure on ourselves (our cells) to do just that.  As I discover more and more, I see just how high the cost of that pressure is: our good health.

Thankfully, I’m not faced with a big life knot right now. And that seems like a good time to start a new practice: shifting the intention and focus of my exercise, water intake, and rest to strengthening myself (my cells) for the time when just such a knot will appear. 

The Wings of Curiosity

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. Albert Einstein

One absolute, fundamental characteristic of consciousness is curiosity. Gregge Tiffen

Curiosity, I discovered this week, is a powerful antidote to stress. That’s reason enough for its existence. Of course, in hindsight, my discovery seems obvious. Questioning almost always serves in some way. Yet, I don’t recall ever invoking curiosity as I did this week: as a conscious choice to move through and beyond a situation which I found myself overly stressed about.

In the midst of a jackhammer breaking up concrete outside my front door (a most unnatural sound here in the quiet of the Sangre de Cristo mountains), I found myself worrying about the operator (a valid concern – though he was most careful) and about whether the removal was a good idea and if he could create a good clean line where the existing concrete was to remain. Then, I piled on a few more concerns: would the pavers I selected work, would the workers show up, how much would it cost … and the list goes on.

After a short attempt without success to concentrate on something else, I realized that I needed to address my self-induced stress head on. I needed to choose differently. Enter curiosity, that innate sense that lives in consciousness. I invoked my belief that life is a series of events and experiments from which I learn. And, I simply decided to be curious with all of the questions.

Which ones could I answer now?  Ah, those that were about me and about the stress: what’s the source, what do I need, what actions will serve me. The brief time reflecting restored my grounding, and from that stability, I was able to sort out what I have some measure of control over (you guessed it: ‘me’) and what I needed to trust (right again: everyone else and how it was going to turn out).

There’s a saying that “curiosity killed the cat”. Misplaced or idle curiosity perhaps doesn’t serve or can even work against us. But, for me, embracing curiosity proved to be an insightful and powerful antidote to an afternoon where stress wanted to take over for an extended stay. Remembering that I’m in charge of me, I ordered stress to leave with the gentleness that curiosity brought forward.

Stress flies away on the wings of curiosity.

The deck is coming right along too & Luke approves!

Naming Without Blaming

Finger-pointing and blame-finding are exercises in self degradation. We are not born accusers. Accusing and complaining are learned, negative habits.  Gregge Tiffen (Tax Time: Are You Taxing Yourself?)*

How does one take responsibility without walking into the negative energy of blame and shame? It would seem easy, yet who among us has not engaged in ‘I should have known better …’ and its corollaries: ‘It’s my fault …’; ‘I’m so dumb (bad, stupid, etc.)’? 

I don’t know about you, but such negativity was an auto-pilot reaction for much of my life.  Then, I began to see the costs – low energy, dis-satisfaction, limited opportunity, a sense of lack and not being/doing ‘enough’.   I was cut off from the consistent, reliable flow of universal creative energy.

Over time and with practice, I’ve shifted. I’ve come to know the Universe as a friendly place, not a trap waiting to nab me when I err.  Amidst several opportunities to beat myself up this week, I noticed that for the most part I was choosing a different path.

I was noticing each blunder. From the banking error to the hot water heater going ‘kaput’, I was being kind to me. At the same time, I was being honest with myself. The costly bank error was mine (and not in my favor!).  After a valiant though unsuccessful effort to get the bank to waive their fee, I looked at where I’d erred, adjusted my internal systems to (hopefully) avoid a recurrence AND I let it go. No blame. No shame. 

As I was arranging for a new hot water heater (necessary because my hot water began to look rusty colored over the weekend), I realized that just a week or so before, the thought had crossed my mind that ‘perhaps a larger heater would better serve my needs’.  Voila! Through my thoughts, it seems that I created the opportunity for that larger heater.  A random thought manifested! I erred in not being aware of it, having a clear intention, time frame and manifesting the resources to do it with ease.  

As I reflected on these and a few other learning opportunities this week, I realized that I’ve come to understand and live into the belief that, as Gregge says, “The Universe does not make ninnies. The Universe has created you in Its image as strong, dependable, creative, self-assured, intelligent, harmonious, and complete.”  I AM that!  And, YOU are that too!

We have only to choose to be what we truly are.  With discipline and practice, those very qualities that reside in our cells spring forth to quash the ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda, I’m not enough’ reactions that our culture seems to nurture.  Myself and my cells like our choice!

(Re) Cycles

"It takes a period of time (a cycle) for you to recognize what you have learned before you are ready to initiate your new cycle …" - Gregge Tiffen

Lest you think that I’m getting a jump on Earth Day later this month, I’m recycling (with updates) my post from this time last year.

Cycles are in my thoughts this week as spring has arrived and as I launch a new annual cycle in my life – my 65th year.  I feel pulled just a bit in this time between the arrival of spring’s warmth with its pull of new beginnings and my own annual cycle wrapping up with its invitation to reflect and evaluate the experiences of the year.

I’ve been dancing with each this week. I’ve engaged in conversations about getting our garden started. Construction of the new deck is underway. I’m also reflecting and celebrating the accomplishments of my 64th year:

·       Becoming a grandmother

·       Purchasing a home, making improvements, and welcoming my first B&B guests last summer

·       Creating a new culture in a local agency where I serve as president of the board

·       Walking the maze of Medicare and supplemental plans and enrolling in what seems right for me

·       Deepening gratitude for and satisfaction with my life, while welcoming the learning I have yet to experience.

That last accomplishment is likely the process that made the others possible.  And, like last year, I have the legacy that Gregge Tiffen left behind and which is growing as Patrece continues to publish more of his works. 

In this new cycle I’m excited to dive in even more deeply to understand and experiment with how the Universe works, how energy flows, and how to walk through the world as the truly unique individual that I am.  Those are the areas where my curiosity is drawn, and from which perhaps, my next work in the world will emerge.

In this sacred week of beginning another annual cycle, I look forward time for review and reflection here amongst the trees and in the shadow of the Sangres. I hold these questions in my heart and mind as take that look back:

• Where am I?
• What have I accomplished?
• What is my progress?
• What do I choose next on my journey of progression?

While these are especially powerful questions to reflect on as one cycle ends and another begins, it occurs to me as I observe the chaos in our world that they are worthy questions at any time and in most any situation.  They create a container within which we can reach the clarity of thought needed to take life’s next step.

As I look ahead to my new year, that is the clarity that I want to bring and to apply in new ways.

Does life get any better than the joy of learning and experimenting and feeling the deep gratitude for whatever we experience moment to moment, cycle to cycle?

Question for the Week:  What cycles do you observe and honor in your life?  What richness do they add?

Creating Spaciousness

Discovery produces the experience that produces knowledge. Gregge Tiffen  (The Language of a Mystic: Creativity – March, 2009*)

Life is a series of experiments that help us clarify our next step. Cindy Reinhardt

Although not consistently with awareness, I’m always experimenting to discover what works and what doesn’t.  I’ve noticed that, when something works, it often becomes a habit, and that I neglect the need for periodic re-evaluation.

Seeing the empty space behind my home where a deteriorating old deck stood just the day before reminded me of the need to create space for the new by letting go of that which no longer serves (at least in its current form).  I chuckled as I imagined my talented contractor trying to build the new deck, without first removing the old one.

As I reflected for a moment, I thought of many times in life when I’ve hung on to things (stuff, ideas, beliefs, etc.) until the new was right there: a job that provided a paycheck but no sense of accomplishment, a client who wasn’t a good fit,  an affiliation with no spark kept only out of habit.  Experiments that worked initially, but that upon re-evaluation (sometimes prompted by discomfort) no longer worked for the best in me.

I also recognized the awesome opportunities that emerged in those times when I was clueless about what was next.  The examples that stand out are those in which I left jobs: deputy director of the housing authority in Houston, vice-president of a real estate development company, executive coach with a coach training company. 

With each departure, something new opened not only professionally (the next great job, a thriving consulting practice, being among the first to be trained as a professional coach and a founding member of the International Coach Federation), but personally as well (meeting Gregge Tiffen, life-long friendships, a marriage and step-son, my move to Crestone).

Now, as I embrace the newness of this spring (see last week’s blog here), I’m repurposing more than old boards from the deck out back.  My business name, Creative Resources Group and my corporation are being retired.  I’m letting go of my 20-year membership in the ICF.  I’m clearing out old papers and files in my office and ‘stuff’ from the garage. Exactly how the energy, resources and efficiencies of those choices will manifest isn’t clear.  I feel their spaciousness.

For now, I’ll continue coaching as Success Zone, my website for many years. I’ll put much more business energy into my bed & breakfast, Dragonfly House-Crestone (LINK).  I’m also taking a deeper dive into the legacy that Gregge Tiffen left behind in his writing, transcripts of his workshops, and recordings of my many sessions with him over 25 years.  And, more long walks with Luke.

I wasn’t always aware that every choice I make is an experiment that evokes discovery far beyond whether it serves me or not.  But that awareness has created a spaciousness and yummy softness in my life for which I am most grateful.

By-Passing Cultural Fear Factories

"Spiritual development reduces your habitual fear buttons to a minimum level until they are eliminated altogether." - Gregge Tiffen (Revealing Habits – 2011)

Sometime early last year my coach and spiritual mentor posed a question and a challenge. “What are the threats dogging you that you need to remove?” ‘Threats? Who me? I’m fearless’ was my initial response.

As I reflected on her inquiry, I realized that I was allowing far too much input from our culture’s ‘fear factories’.

You most likely have (or can create) your own list of them. Mine includes politicians who warn of doom and dire consequences if their policies are not followed; ‘news’ media fixated on war, terrorism and crime with a good helping of bad economic news; the financial services industry’s persistent messages about ‘not having enough money for retirement’; an entire industry of marketers hawking products to make me look better, feel better, drive the right car, wear the right jeans, etc. so that I can know that I’m ‘enough’. And, just to be totally honest, there are those with whom I agree (the organic, non-GMO food folks, for example) who all too often play the fear card as well.

Fear factories insert themselves in our lives in ways that range from BOLD to subtle, always aiming to snatch our free will and impose their own, having us make choices in service to them.

One approach is to turn off the spigot, isolating oneself from such input. But for someone who’s curious about what goes on in the world, that didn’t seem like a good option. Besides, where’s the potential for personal growth in avoidance?

As I continued to reflect and observe, I noticed that I wasn’t countering input from the fear factories with the faith and trust that I’ve nurtured in my 40+ years exploring how the Universe works. Eureka!

That awareness alone countered my nagging (but mostly unconscious) concern that I’d end up a homeless bag-lady under a bridge. Even worse, bridges are few and far between here in the southern Rockies, so I might be bridgeless as well! While the shift seemed to happen in an instant, I realized that over time I’d developed a strong spiritual belief system, and that this foundation was the key to putting my habits of fear to rest.

Not allowing myself to be sucked in to the fear factories’ consistent cries for me to be fearful requires diligence. And, I continue to develop my capacity to nimbly and gently bring myself back to my foundation when the fear mongers’ voices touch a sensitive place inside.

Consciously or not, we are each on a spiritual journey. As I read the above quote earlier this week, I realize just how important and practical (at least for me) that journey is.

Loving Life

"When you love the life you are living, you have the life you love." - Gregge Tiffen

We have a choice about how to be with the experiences that life presents. And, we have the free will to choose what we will do with them. What I’ve come to appreciate is that every experience is a learning opportunity when I’m willing to pay attention to what’s going on, what I’m doing, and how I’m doing it.

I’m discovering joy in this attention, particularly in some of my daily routines like building a fire each morning to warm my home. Through that experience each day and the preparation required I’m learning many things about wood, how to arrange kindling for a good start, and such. I’m already thinking ahead to next winter – purchasing my wood earlier so that it will be dryer, stacking it in a different place, etc.

That’s valuable learning, but it only scratches the surface. This seemingly simple daily event is teaching me much more. I’ve come to appreciate the focus, attention, and patience required to create a fire that will warm my home. Those requirements make it the perfect activity for my morning quiet time, even though I have to get up from my cozy perch and put my reading or writing on pause for a few moments.

Each morning I’m reminded that I choose how to approach the experience. I’m aware that I could choose to make it a ‘chore’ and be grumpy about how long it takes to warm the room and that my reading or writing has been interrupted. I could work up some real juice when the kindling doesn’t ignite with the first match.

And, that daily reminder strengthens my capacity to choose to love and learn from all of my life, even those events that in the moment I might prefer not to experience: an injured toe, ice melt leaking in the garage, the prospective client that chooses another coach, not receiving an expected greeting from a loved one, allowing myself to be duped into a sales presentation having been told I’d ‘won a prize’.

Those seemingly little things in life can teach us so much and remind us to “love the life we are living,” so we can “have the life we love”. In this month of love, what ‘little thing’ in life can you love this week?

Beginning Anew

"Each moment holds the power of promise for you to exert your individuality, to expand in wisdom and to reflect only good. Universal intelligence is always working. Begin with a promise to yourself that you will co-create with it." - Gregge Tiffen

We’ve said our farewells to the year passed and, good or bad, hopefully we’ve let go and stepped fully into the new calendar year 2015. She’s already a week old, yet still a babe – with 358 days to live, laugh, love and create our lives.

Perhaps your year is off to fast start and you are well on your way to the awesome goals you’ve set forth. Or, maybe you’ve noticed that your goals just aren’t compelling you into action each day and you wonder ‘what’s up with that?’ Perhaps, like me, your goals are just beginning to form.

As I began to reflect on my goals for this new year, those that first emerged (and those that are most exciting to me) address quality of life: how I want to experience it rather than what I want to accomplish, what I want to learn more than what I can do with what I think I know, and how I want to be over what I want or need to do.

Deeply connected with nature, for example, giving myself time to walk the labyrinth and explore the woods out back. What does their deep quiet offer? Or, understanding the roles my physical, mental and spiritual bodies play and how they work so that I can better create with each.

I didn’t intentionally start there, rather those ideas simply showed up. And, I’m following to see where they lead.

In noticing these, I’ve begun to wonder if perhaps the world’s approach to goals [‘accomplish this and you’ll be happy, successful’; ‘do that and you’ll have the life of your dreams’] isn’t backward.

What might we create if with start by identifying the qualities we desire in life, declare them clearly, and then use the opportunities that come our way to create those qualities?

That’s how I’m beginning anew … what about you?

Thank YOU 2014!

"Be happy with yourself. The joy you experience provides an indestructible armor against any misfortune. Your voice was meant to be a lullaby giving comfort to the weary and security to the young. You were meant to be the giver and the gift. Do not attempt to take that from yourself. It cannot be done any more than you can take the stars from the heavens. You have your place in the Universe. Accept it with grace and good humor." - Gregge Tiffen

As we often do when we prepare to turn the page on an old year and step into the blank slate of a new one, a look back is in order.

I started the year wondering how to go beyond the measures of success that the world suggests we use to evaluate. I posed these questions to myself and in my first post of 2014:

• What am I here to learn?
• What qualities in my life do I choose to more fully develop?
• How well do I see everything in life as opportunity?
• How strong is my belief in the personal power that I have been given?
• How well am I using my capacity to live in the world without becoming of it?

As the 365 days of 2014 come to a close, I happy to say that I am happy with myself. I’m mostly pleased with how I walked through the year, its opportunities and challenges.

One year ago this week I started serious conversations with the owner (who is also a dear friend) about how I might purchase this home. I felt deeply that I was meant to be here, to steward the property, and to create a place for others to come for rest, renewal, and connecting deeply with nature. And, I didn’t see how that could be possible.

But I took a step, then another, and I continued to walk. I learned more deeply how to trust and to allow things to unfold. Unfold it did: a seller willing and able to negotiate, a gift received, a discovery that now was the best time to begin receiving my Social Security payments, and unexpectedly discovering that I could qualify for a mortgage.

Step by step the way revealed itself and the Dragonfly House was born, receiving her first guests in late July and throughout the month of August.

While I’m proud of simply accomplishing the goal, I’m most satisfied with what I gained in the process – a deeper conviction of the power I have as a co-creator in my life, a rediscovery of what ‘home’ means to me as a quality in my life, and a better understanding of the freedom living life on my terms brings.

As I bid adieu to my friend, 2014, and open the door to her successor, I do so with a deep bow of gratitude and with anticipation for what opportunities this year, 2015, has in store for each of us.